Frozen

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I was at some group thing and we were sitting around a table. The leader was telling us that they were going to give us some type of drug that would show us our true state of mind. And explained how most people started to cry because usually people were so broken and sad that their true state was shown in crying. The drug was some type of smoke that you inhaled. The first girl they gave it too did start to cry. She weeped. I was next. I didn't cry but was paralyzed. I couldn't move at all. It's like when your mouth clenches or a muscle tightens and you can't relax. It was painful but I couldn't move. They ended up putting me in the middle of the table.

Very weird.

"even though"

Almost 3 weeks later and I'm starting to feel whole again. I'm not constantly feeling like something HUGE is missing from my life.

"even though"

even though you have a lot of baggage

even though you seem to have moved on

even though you don't love me anymore

even though you broke my heart

even though

even though I cry each time I think of you

even though I feel rejected and left behind

even though I know there is better

even though I want to move on

even though, even though

i still want to hear your voice

i still want to know your life

i still want to love you

i still do

even though

A Cure for the Lonely Hearted

I've come to decide that the cure for a lonely or sad heart is a 10-speed. . . (or a kayak but the blog is about my new old 10-speed).

My friend, Aubrey, recently purchased a new old 10-speed a couple weeks ago and told me how nice it was to ride around on it. I have another friend, Stephen, who bikes to work on his jazzy nice road bike. So last week I went on the search for my very own new old bike. I searched on Craig's list which is GREAT as long as you're safe about buying and selling. I came across this little gem and decided to buy it for a whopping 75$ (which compared to Aubrey's was expensive. She found a cool old huffy female road bike. 25$ ) And I'll put a bit more into it to fix a few things. For now I just need a new handle tap and a wire that connects the front gears to it's shifter on the handle bar. It will set me back around 25 bucks. So 100$ all together. I'm happy with it and love that it's old and has character. I ride around with an OLD teal helmet that I had since I was 11 years old. I took it for a short ride and it went well. I'm only sad that I bought it so late in the season.

So for all of you out there with a sad or lonely heart, here is my advice to you. Go out and buy yourself a bike. You will be exercising which is good for so many different reasons; it can release anxiety by using and stretching out your muscles, it can help you lose weight which makes you feel better about yourself, helps you produce beta-endorphins which is the feel good sensation that athletes get when they hit that peak, and for many other reasons that I haven't named.

On another random tangent, my nieces, Dahlia and Mahala are visiting for the week. I woke up this morning to Mahala crying to get out of her crib. It was a nice wake up and to see her with her arms out stretched. So cute.

Later in the day when nap time was approaching (about an hour and half away) I was sitting watching the girls play while my mom took a shower. Dahlia was playing with legos and I started to paint my toe nails. We were in the living room and Dahlia said, "I want my nails painted too." I said, "okay, well I'll go get some nail polish remover and we'll go into the kitchen and paint your nails." She said, "No, you can paint them right here." and I said, "well, we should probably do it in the kitchen. When you're older we can do it in here." She started to get teary eyed and tantrumy. while this went on Mahala just watches on as she does. I then said to Dahlia logically (she's sooooo logical even when she's tired. . I'm sure not always.), "Daaaaahlia, that's not how we act if we want something. I can't paint your nails if you aren't happy. I'm going to get the remover and you can chose to be happy or sad when I get back." She looked at me (oh, by this time she'd fallen back on the ground in a tantrum) and started to stop crying. I asked, "Do you want to be happy or sad?" Mahala chimed in "Happy!" I got up and said again, "you can chose to be happy or sad." and when I came back the tears were dried. We proceeded to go into the kitchen and paint her nails.

I have such amazing nieces but she taught me another lesson. I have a choice and I know I'm choosing to be happy. I know that it's taking me a little longer and that's okay but in the end I really am choosing to be happy. I really want my nails painted when it comes down to it. :)

Anatomy and Physiology

Finally!!!! I got an A in my Anatomy and Physiology class. Praise the Lord for endurance. I feel that even though life is hard right now this is like a nice cup of Maui Waui sherbet (I recommend this on a hard day. It will brighten your day like the colors of the sherbet. ). Speaking of. . . mmmm. . . going to go get a cup. Yay, for great surprises. Onto my CNA test at the end of September. The studying never ends but that's a good thing. Keep my mind going to mush.

Both Sides Now

Iris and Homer

Some of you know that I've adopted a nice woman at my work. Her name is Iris and she's one of the coolest and funniest women I know. I think part of it is that she reminds me of me in some ways. Like she speaks her mind (good or bad) and she loves pugs. She owns 2, Jacob and Leah, adorable pugs. Jacob is sitting on her lap in the picture above.

When I started to work at my job I'd heard of Iris from some people who knew I love pugs. Well, one day I met her daughter who had been out walking the 2 pugs while the residents were quarantined from a yucky virus going around. I'd told her I really loved pugs and if her mom needed me to I'd love to walk them. A month later I finally met Iris and we hit it off.

Iris is always wondering why I'd want to spend time with her. She always attributes it to her pugs but just like the pugs she's just a cute and quirky lady. Her and her husband seem to have an amazing relationship and a true love of one another.

One day Iris told me that her husband, Homer, was the love of her life and how they went everywhere they could together. When he was in the military they would write each other everyday. How she loved him so much and he loved her too. She told me that when he was dying their grandkids came in to see him and it was when he'd started to stop talking. He looked over, smiled, and said, "Aren't they beautiful" then looked at Iris and said, "but she's the most beautiful".

Homer would write her love poems and for their anniversary make her a card. She would show me the poems and say, "I just don't know what to do with them but I don't want to get rid of them. I cherish them so."

Another story she told me was when he was dying and she was sitting with him. She was sitting next to him when he said, "I just thought we'd go together." As she told me this she said, "We did everything together that it was just natural for us both to think this but I told him. ' Well, you go on a head and prepare a place for me and I will be along after.'" Okay, so I have to say I was in tears when she told me this. I can't imagine. . . I pray that my partner in this world is someone that I can't imagine not going into eternity with.

One of the poems that Homer wrote is this:

"Ode to a Dandelion"

Oh, little flower so golden bright,

Symbol of the Sun's great light,

It always seems to me a shame

that all those people curse your name.

Your eagerness to show your bloom,

Even where there is no room,

Is looked up on by some, you see,

As being just a bit "push."

But I suggest you are inspiring;

To me, your beauty never tiring;

But duck your head, here comes the mower!

Oops! To Late! Poor little flower. . .

Fr. Homer

Oh, yeah Homer was a priest for the Evangelical church. I love Iris because you'd never know by how candid she speaks. One day we were sitting there and she said, "Don't EVER get tattoos. Please don't. It's such a shame when young people get tattoos." I laughed to myself. Just smiling and nodding my head. Or when she told me that her daughter was making such a bad mistake not having children and slightly resenting that she and her husband bought a dog instead. I laugh when she talks like this because deep inside Iris is such a loving person who just loves people. And I think misses meeting new people.

She says that Jacob and Leah are who brought me into her life. Maybe but I'm glad we've met and that she's in my life. Teaching me in her own way about love, relationships, and life. I hope I can be like her when I'm 86.

Tit or tat

I was listening to "world have your say" as I was driving home today. The topic was about breast feeding and wether or not to breast feed. Well, it was an interesting topic. I will leave the link to "world have your say" and you can read a bit of her article and the arguments. I'd recommend listening to the program because they bring in women around the world who view it from both sides. Here is the link below. Just click on it.

World Have your say