Love

I was talking to a dear friend of mine(Sherrie Gillette) at my sister's wedding on the 23rd. we were talking about love and I told her that I have been pondering the idea of chosing who we love or if there is a choice. . .

So first off. . . God is love.

(oh, and it's almost 7am and I couldn't fall asleep. . . so if it's a bit delirious I blame the lack of sleep or the nail polish fumes in my room ;) )

He's all love. . . and the greatest love. . Agape love. Right? right.

So second. . .recently I haven't been so loving. . . most of my family already knows this. . . I got in an argument with my sister on Christmas about stuff and when I was apologizing I realized that most of my apology was "I , me, this is how I felt" and not "you or how do you feel" . My apology kind of sucked but she still forgave me for being a bitch. Thank God eh?

many things in the past few days since I came back have made me think more about my life and how much I'm holding on to my l ife and those I treasure in it. (again if t his gets off topic sorry)

On the 22nd I found out I was layed off, on the 23rd my sister got married, on the 25th I found out my job in April may not be available if I can't find someone to renew my visa in February, my boyfriend hasn't written me since I came home (not much new really. . .he sucks at emails but . . still), I still need to figure out my loans, etc. . . I lay on my bed with my mom and my niece crying wondering why life was suddenly sooooo hard. . . my mom said that's just how life goes sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's easy. Jasmine just smiled at me and gave me a hug which helped too. I love her soo much. After they headed to bed I couldn't sleep. . . so i started to journal (after watching a movie and writing on line).

I realized that I've been holding on sooo tightly to my life and not holding it with an open palm to the Lord. I was holding tight to: Tatsuya, Japan, my job, my homelife, my sister, etc. Not allowing God to move through my tight hands gripping my life as much as it could . . .trying to force things to happen or not happen. And if God is love and I wasn't allowing him into what is going on in my life then think of all the Non-love in my life. I realized again that once you let go and let God decide it makes life a lot easier and less stressful. I know there are starving children in the world and people are dying daily but I know that what is going on in my life is important to God. My feelings and emotions are important to him too. He cares what I think and feel and cares about me. He understands me. Even when I don't.

Oh, but what I was going to say about Sherrie's and my conversation was this. . . I was thinking about Tatsuya tonight becuase I wanted to talk to him about how i was feeling and going through and just to hear from him but I don't know if it's our emails or if he's just super busy or just being his old oblivious to emailing me self. . . but either way i was bummed that I haven't heard from him. I started to think about his and my relationship and reevaluated it. . . I still love him and it made me think . . .do we chose who we fall in love with?

i think we don't get a choice in the matter but we do have the choice of letting God lead you and guide you and rule over that love. What I mean is that I love Tatsuya but it doesn't mean I will chose to stay with him because if God does ask me to let go i will. . .why? because I love God and want him to be my guide. I love Tatsuya but I love God more. And you know what? God loves me and He loves Tatsuya WAY more then I do. . .and He wants the best for us both. Right now. . . he, Tatsuya, seems like the greatest thing since the washer and drier combo . . . but you try washing yoru clothes by hand for 10 months and then think about what love is. . .j/k. . .I ment to say that he seems like the best now and maybe he is but if he's not I don't need to worry because the Lord will bring something better a long for the both of us.

Anyways. . I'm tired now that it's 7:30 so I'm going to take a nap till 9am and then head to my massage with Lindsay Allen (which I recommend for anyone who needs a massage in oregon).

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." I John 4:7

Again. . .I pray that Tatsuya would know this Love and that I too would know Love better.