Theology and Dying Sakura

Who would think we were in Shinjuku. ..




Today my friend, Amy, and I finally had time to chat and hang out in the last two weeks. I had training and she went to Korea. . . I like her reason for being busy more then mine ;) Nah, I'm really thankful to the Lord for this job. I'm nervous but thankful. You know change and me don't go so well together but I'm getting use to it. . . I did move to Japan :)

Anywhoooooooo. . . we went out to lunch and I as always over ate and am still stuffed at 6:30. . . .which is like. . .7 hours later. My metabolism is like a turtle. .and that's why I shouldn't eat sooo much. Afterwards we headed to the Canon store in Shinjuku where a friend of mine told me I could get my sensor and lenses cleaned for FREE. I was pretty excited since I don't really like cleaning my sensor myself. We dropped it off and they said to come back in 50 minutes which was great too. We headed to a park near by where they had Sakura trees. The best thing about this park was that they had tarps set out for people to have Hanami parties so we plopped ourselves down on one. It was sooo beautiful. The clouds were moving a bit so every now and then the sun would disappear but soon reappear. Amy kept taking on and off her coat. . . . her body temperature I guess changes like a . . . rabbit. .keeping with the analogy :)

As we were sitting there the Sakura leaves would fall all around us like snow. It was so beautiful. We talked a lot about life and our lives in Japan. She said that she'd changed a lot from living in London to living in Japan. I don't think I've changed anymore then I would have in America. . .I feel like life is life anywhere you are. . .hard times here and hard times there. . . amazing people here . . .amazing people there. . .etc. God is here and God is there.

Later she asked me what was the biggest thing that happend to me in my first year. . . I guess meeting Tatsuya. . . I'm still sad about the idea of pouring love into a person and then nothing coming of it. . .it's like my Lavender from last year. . . .I loved it soooo much and as it was dying I knew something was wrong and asked what I could do. I bought new soil, I trimmed it, I re-potted it. . .but nothing helped and soon I gave up on it and just let it die. I still think of that lavender. But I think of it too for example. . ..I am going to buy another one this year and my goal is to have it live longer.

Sometimes I wonder if Tatsuya ever really loved me. . . I know I broke up with him but he let go so easily and just . . . let go. . .no fight. . .no arguing. . .nothing. I love him still but I want to be loved in returned. I need a man like my dad. . .who getting dumped by my mom still pursued her because he loved her and KNEW she was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. . ..then again if I know the story right he dumped her twice too. . hee hee. ..but they have been married for now. .36 years? 37. . .My roommate talked about how her and her good friend had been friends for 13 years. She said "Our friendship is a teenager". I liked that analogy alot. . . .Aubs our friendship is almost 10 years old. . . Katie. . .we are . . 18 years old? 17? Bean. . . mmmm. . ..16 years old? Crazy.

Again Amy and I were talking and she brought up this guy in California she thinks is pretty cool. I guess he has this blog and he makes short films etc. Anyways. . his name is Philip Wang and she was like. . .you should marry him (actually she said this ages ago). He's super cool, handsome, and he's a Christian. LOL. Today we were talking about a blog entry he had written about why do all the nice guys finish last. Why don't girls like the good guys etc. My reply was. . . what about the nice girls? I don't want to generalize but I'm going to anyways. . .I've found that whether you're American, British, or Japanese. . .most women can look past the superficial. . .actually they can fall in love with the fact their man isn't the norm. IF a woman loves a man the looks fade away and all she sees is an amazing man. . .but for the most part. . .I hardly ever see this with the men. . maybe I'm being a bit harsh but I'm calling it as I see and have experienced. Why can't men get past the superficial? Why can't a man fall in love with a woman who isn't perfect looking? I feel like I live in a world of Jerry Seinfields. . .where every girl has a "thing" wrong with her. I know soooo many amazing girls in this world who are single and BEAUTIFUL but not A typical. (but not to say that women (myself included) aren't like this. . . I just see it more in men)

Amy and I talked about this. . I told her. . . .A. . .I don't know the guy and hahahha. .B. He'd probably not be attracted to me (If only every man saw me as my mother does ;) and C. Just because someone says they are a Christian doesn't mean that's the end all unfortunately. Dating in the Christian realm. . .to be honest. . .frightens me.

I've met nice men since Tatsuya but . . . no one that sticks out that much. . .then again its only been . . .20 days or so. I think I'm about to start my period. . . . sometimes I wish I could stop feeling because I know that my feelings aren't truth they are LIES! But I still feel them.

I can't wait to find someone who I can love and who is safe to love and not fear that our relationship will end. . . I hate divorce and I hate sin in relationships!!! why can't relationships be kept holy? Why can't that in this world be a safe place? It's hard to picture a person who will love me for this life . . . which is okay. I want to love someone who will love me like Christ and who I can love and respect in return. . . but if not I know that there is more to us then this life. . .which is like mist which will pass away. Heaven. . . someday. To be sooo near to God forever. . not the feeling of distance and closeness. . but just closeness. . ..where feelings don't rule us. . . . where truth and love reign. Where there isn't crying of pain just joy. I can't wait.

going for a run now. . .and waiting for mom to call me . . .who by the way is the most amazing mother in this world or any other world for that matter. I want to be more like her when I grow up. . .oh, wait. . I am grown up. . .but not really. 25 I hear is the new 18. . .not really but I feel like that sometimes. . .when do we feel grown up? I have this theory that Japanese men have two stages of life. . .young men and old men. . no middle aged. . .Young men till they graduate and then Old men by their first year of work. I don't see a whole lot of middle aged men here. . .maybe they are hidding. . .maybe. . .at work. Sad.